Baby NV

Taking Matters Into My Own Hands

2012-03-06T11:07:00.002-08:00

That's right. I am a paranoid pregnant lady with multiple losses and I took matters into my own hands. My RE didn't want me to get an ultrasound until I hit 8 weeks. With my history every little cramp and twinge scares the shit out of me. So, I called my OBGYN.

I must say I love this lady. She cares so much. After my tube was removed, she came to visit me when she was on her vacation. Then, she gave me her cell phone number in case I had any questions or needed anything at all. When I told her I was pregnant yesterday she was so excited! Again, I love this lady! She told me that she would like to monitor me very closely. She ordered two more betas for this week and then an ultrasound next week when I'll be 6 weeks.

I had my beta today and it was ....

1594 at 15dp5dt!!!! That is a doubling time of 28.15. Yay!!!!

Thank you God.

And thank you ladies for continuing to read and comment on my blog. You ease my worried mind. Love you guys!

I Hate Pee Sticks!!!!

2012-03-01T13:21:00.003-08:00

My beta came back at 283! That's exactly 200 more than on Monday and a doubling time of 40.69. I was so convinced last night that my beta wasn't rising I cried all kinds of crocodile tears to my poor hubby. I guess that is just the hormones. I can breath a sigh of relief, well at least until the next beta.

On another note, I hate effin pee sticks!!!! I refuse to buy anymore. They won't help, whether this pregnancy works out or not.

But, please god let it work out.

235

2012-02-29T06:53:00.000-08:00

That is the number I need tomorrow to have a "normal" doubling time. Strangely, I am not seeing much difference in my pee sticks over the past few days. I went out and bought some as soon as we got the beta number back. I guess I needed reassurance that this is in fact happening. But, it hasn't given me reassurance. If anything it has just made me worry more.

Please god, please let this baby stick. Let my beta be normal tomorrow morning. Let me sigh a breath of relief (at least for a few more days). Amen.

One or Two?

2012-02-28T07:46:00.001-08:00

My hubby is very confident that I am carrying two babies. Personally, most of the girls I know who have twins start off with much higher betas. So I am not so sure about that. I just want one healthy baby, two would be a bonus. Well, this morning I was leaving for work and my hubby looked at me and said "take care of our babies." The tears started rolling. Could this be happening?

I felt some more twinges and pulling early this morning. I am hoping it is just the babi(es) snuggling in and stretching out my uterus for the next 9 months or so. But, it did worry me a bit. I don't think I will stop worrying until I am holding my babi(es) in my arms (and maybe not even then). I already warned Mr. V that I am going to be a crazy, paranoid pregnant lady ... so watch out.

Thursday can't come fast enough!!!!!

Big Fat

2012-02-27T14:22:00.001-08:00

POSITIVE!!!!!!! Oh my god is this really happening?! My beta came back at 83. I am 7 days past transfer and my doctor said that 83 was a great high number. My next beta is Thursday. Please god let this be our take home baby.

Day by Day

2012-02-27T06:45:00.000-08:00

I decided to keep a little diary of symptoms from our FET. Hopefully this will end with a BFP today. I have to say that it was very difficult for me to stay away from the pee sticks. But, I want my hubby to hear the news at the exact moment I do. Either way we are in this together. Mr. V told me that he is bringing champagne and sparkling cider to the beach this afternoon, so that no matter what the news is we are prepared. I feel like I am the luckiest woman in the world to be married to this incredible and thoughtful man.

February 22:
Felt twinges in my uterus on the left side on and off all day today. Could this be implantation? Please god let it be. My boobs are large. Well, large for someone who is a small B. Let's face it, they aren't large by any stretch of the imagination. Just large in comparison to the ones I usually have. Of course, this could just be the estrogen and progesterone that I am taking.

February 23:
Slept horribly last night. Continued to feel a couple twinges early in the day. Extremely tired, but this is probably from the lack of sleep last night.

February 24:
Slept much better last night. Still a bit tired today and VERY VERY hungry. From the moment I got out of bed, I wanted food. Also, I have a heavy feeling in my uterus. I was told that my lining looked excellent on the day of transfer, so maybe that is the heavy feeling. Or maybe, just maybe, our little ones are snuggling in for the long haul.

February 25:
Noticed a bit of brown discharge today.

February 26:
So exhausted today. All day I am constantly yawning. Boobs still "large" and in charge.

February 27:

Today is the big day. The day we find out if our FET worked. I hope and pray with all I have that this worked and I am carrying little Valentina and/or her brother around with me. Pray for me ladies.

My Babies

2012-02-24T09:18:00.002-08:00

Only three more days till my Beta. Hopefully these little ones are snuggling in right now as I type...

The Waiting Game - Part Deux

2012-02-22T11:24:00.000-08:00

Here I am sitting and waiting...

Waiting for my beta test on Monday.

Waiting for IVF to work.

Waiting to become a mother.

Waiting to make my husband a father.

Waiting for a viable pregnancy.

Waiting for all my dreams to come true.

That is a lot of waiting. And waiting just makes the time go by slow. So I have setup my week and weekend so that I won't think about the waiting.

I have a very busy three days of work left this week (well two and half, considering it is after 2pm already). On Friday night I have a work event to go to. I mean it really isn't working at all. It is a fashion show in the mall. But, a work event nevertheless. On Saturday I am going to audition for Wheel of Fortune. And I am beyond excited!!! I love that show and my husband has been encouraging me to do it, as I am a rock star when it comes to that game. And Sunday is my nieces baptism.

Then (finally) Monday at 8am is my beta test. I have chosen to leave work early at 3pm. My hubby and I will go and sit on our beach to hear the news (no, we don't own a private beach ... it's just the beach we visit to talk things out or celebrate momentous occasions. Whether good or bad we will hear the news together this time. Something about being in my husband's arms to hear the outcome just feels right.

Many of my blogger friends are going through a similar wait right now. I just want you to know that I am thinking about you all and praying that all of our dreams come true.

Mi Valentina

2012-02-10T08:59:00.000-08:00

My hubby and I have a little game we play. When we hear a new name on TV, in a movie, via an introduction, etc ... we consider what it would be like naming our child that. We discuss what his/her nickname would be, making sure that it isn't a name that he/she could be teased over. We rarely agree on names, but there is one we agreed on from the moment we heard it. If we have a little girl, her name would be Valentina. Our last name starts with a V. Since her initials would be V.V., we both agree that V.V. (or Vivi) is an adorable nickname.

I have had two monitoring appointments this week, to make sure that I am on track for a FET. I am not one to believe in signs, but guess when it is going to be...

Next week on Tuesday, Wednesday or Thursday. Of course, this is all depending on if/when I ovulate.

Honestly, I was considering taking this month off of ART. It just takes so much out of you and I thought I could probably use the time to heal and get my head back in the game. But, when the doctor told me when my ET would be I couldn't stop thinking about how beautiful it would be to be reunited with our little embryo around Valentine's Day, the sweetest day of the year. And how much sweeter would it be if we did end up having our little Valentina because of it.

I am trying to be very optimistic about everything. But, I have horrible trust issues. Once, I am let down by someone/something even just one time ... I really do lose faith. I have met so many women who have undergone IVF and FETs and are success stories. I just keep thinking of all you success stories and telling myself that this can happen, it will happen.

Here's hoping that this is the best Valentine's Day ever!

CD1

2012-01-27T09:29:00.000-08:00

I haven't told you girls about my parents yet. I intend to. But, in a post that can be dedicated to them exclusively. And this is not what this post is about. The short story is...

I was raised by my grandmother. My dad was in and out of my entire childhood. However, since turning 18 he has been pretty solid in my life. I think he is trying to make up for all he missed.

Monday night I received a text from my dad that said:

I know in my heart that you are meant to have a child and it will happen for you. I love you more than I can ever put in words. If at first...

Of all the texts, calls and words of encouragement that I heard ... this is what I needed to hear more than anything. I needed someone who loves me unconditionally to tell me to get off my ass and try again.

So, I have endured a miscarriage at nearly 12 weeks, two ectopic pregnancies and the loss of two tubes. I'll just add one round of failed IVF to the list. Fuck this bitch infertility! I am mad now and I intend to kick her ass.

I have three little embryos on ice for my FET. And if that doesn't work I will have another opportunity at IVF through this clinical trial. I emailed my clinic today to let them know that it is CD1. I was told on Monday that it would take 7-10 days to get my period. But, they didn't realize that my body is like clock work when it comes to my period. 15 days after ovulation, AF comes. Of course, she is here in full force this time – death cramps, heavy flow, the whole nine yards.

I have decided this go around to throw the lists, planning and pee sticks in the garbage and take one step at a time. Monday is blood work and ultrasound on CD4. I will update you on the next step, when it comes.

I am coming for you infertility, you better watch out!

To conclude, I want you all to know that the support you have given me through this whole process – especially these last few days following my BFN – have meant the world to me. No one, but you, understands the emotional, physical and financial toll this process takes on you. Your recommendation to shut the world out for a day really helped and your encouraging words to try again is helping me to move on. I couldn't have gotten through this without you. I thank you all from the bottom of my heart. I truly believe that together, with much persistence, we can all beat this.

BFN

2012-01-23T12:16:00.001-08:00

Beta was 3. I never expected it to hurt like this. If you need me I will be in bed wishing I didn't have to wake up and face the world tomorrow.

Fingers Crossed

2012-01-23T08:15:00.000-08:00

CD33
7DP5DT

Lupron: 27 total

Follistim:12 total

1mL Novarel: 1 total

1mL Progesterone: 11

I went this morning for my beta. I have been praying and pleading with God all morning for this to be our take home baby. I am sure my clinic will wait till 4pm to call, as it always seems they wait till the end of the day. Please keep your fingers crossed for me ladies. I will update you later tonight.

Wordless Wednesday

2012-01-18T12:12:00.000-08:00

These are the two beauties that were placed back inside me on Monday. It brought tears to my eyes when they did the transfer. It was just so overwhelming that I ~~may~~ will be a mother by the end of this year. I am officially PUPO at 2dp5dt. Also, I am completely swollen like I am 15 weeks pregnant. I can't even zip up my fat jeans. Did anyone else have this issue?

Fertilization Report

2012-01-12T13:32:00.000-08:00

CD22

Lupron: 27 total

Follistim:12 total

1mL Novarel: 1 total

1mL Progesterone: 1

Going into my egg retrieval yesterday I was scared and crying. I am not sure why. But, I think it has something to do with the last time I was put to sleep for my ectopic pregnancy. I remember waking up in the most horrific pain. I should have realized that it wouldn't hurt that bad since they didn't cut me open.

Waking up from my egg retrieval, I felt like I had just had the most amazing deep sleep of my life. Apparently, the procedure only took 10 minutes. But, it felt like I had just slept for 8-10 hours. I had a bit of cramping, nothing major. It paled in comparison to the death cramps I get monthly from my period. I think Mrs. Uterus realizes that she is going to get to carry someone (maybe even two someones) in there very soon.

Of the 16 eggs growing and viewed on ultrasound, they retrieved 8. This morning I found out that 6 were fertilized and 2 are still pending fertilization. Yay!

I go back in on Saturday to get my blood drawn, yet again. If my hormones are on track, they will transfer two embryos back in on Monday at 10am – a 5 day transfer.

My husband gave me my first progesterone shot last night. And thanks to you ladies' recommendations, it didn't hurt at all. I used ice to numb the injection site. I warmed the progesterone with a heating pad and then hubby rubbed the injection site afterwards. Of course, he kept telling me that it was a big tease. The doctor told us nothing in the vajayjay for 48 hours, including baths. Baths are my number one favorite thing when I feel under the weather. Between no sex and no baths, I am counting down the hours until tomorrow afternoon.

I feel incredibly blessed that I have this opportunity, especially considering the cost associated with IVF. This would be unattainable for some time if the entire cost was up to us. If any of you ladies are struggling to fund your first round of IVF, visit New Hope Fertility Clinic. The doctors are wonderful and the work they are doing is incredible.

Egg Retrieval

2012-01-11T03:26:00.001-08:00

CD21
Lupron: 27 total
Follistim:12 total
1mL Novarel: 1 total

Well, I'm on my way into the city for my egg retrieval. I won't lie, I'm a bit nervous. But, also excited at the same time. While I am being knocked out, my husband will be doing his part. Which of course means sitting in a well appointed room watching porn. Men don't realize how easy they have it! And thy really think they are the stronger ones?! I will update later tonight on how many eggs retrieved.

I'll Never Be A Everyday Blogger

2011-12-31T16:17:00.000-08:00

CD13
5IU Lupron: 22nd
225IU Follistim: 7th

I wish I could be. I wish I could take the 365 posts in a year challenge like my bloggie friend Angie. But, alas, I am not that girl. I know that is a goal I can not meet. However, I do think I owe it to all of you that are following my blog to update you more than once a month – which is about my average.

So my New Year's resolution is one that I think I can accomplish...

I will blog once a week, every week this year.

And no, I will not count this as one ;)

Up on the top of this post in pink are the shots that I am taking today and my cycle date. I thought I would use this as a diary of sorts to keep track of everything that I am doing in my IVF journey. So every post until I get a BFP, and perhaps even beyond, I will show my IVF progress. Yesterday I had a monitoring ultrasound and blood work. My FSH was 19 and my E2 was 212. I had 8-10 follicles on the left and 2 on the right. I was instructed to continue with the 225IU of Follistim and 5IU of Lupron. I have another monitoring appointment scheduled for Thursday, January 5. My egg retrieval had been pushed tentatively to January 7. I cannot believe that in three weeks, I could be pregnant. It sounds surreal even as I type it. Please god, please, let this work. Let this be my take home baby(ies).

A Happy New Year

2011-12-31T16:06:00.000-08:00

It is New Year's Eve and I am about to take my fourth Follistim shot and my ninteenth Lupron shot...

I flew up to New York on December 13th to find out which arm of the New Hope clinical trial I would be participating in. I drew the Conventional IVF envelope and was instructed to go to the local pharmacy to pick up Lupron and begin injections that very night. I called my hubby and he was so excited that this option would give us a chance at having twins (which scares me and my tiny body a bit, but at this point I will take 4 if that is what god has planned for me).

I was all alone in this very big city, as my hubby was catering an event the following day and was stuck in the kitchen. I jumped on the subway and took it to the Pharmacy to pick up the meds and then I shopped in the city for a bit. I was able to see all of the amazing window displays that I have heard about. Honestly they were even more breathtaking than they had been described. It was definitely one of the highlights of my trip.

After shopping the afternoon away, I hailed my first cab to take me back to the airport. I had a note for the medications I would be flying with, but fortunately I wasn't given any problems. I got home that night and successfully did my first Lupron shot. It didn't hurt at all and I had no bruising ... and to date I still haven't had any problems.

After my ultrasound and blood work on December 27, I was instructed to begin the 225 IU of Follistim the next day. Again, the needle was so tiny I could barely feel it. However, the next day was a different story. The needle didn't hurt, but there was a bit of burning when I did the injection. And ever since it has left a little purple pin prick dot on my belly. It is like a road map of my IVF journey ... one that hopefully leads to a healthy baby in September 2012.

As I am doing the injections every night I think to myself how badly this sucks. I have had cramps and a bit of spotting. My appetite has doubled. I am sleepy all of the time. My last ultrasound tech took an hour just to count my follicles and check my uterine lining ... yes my dears, that was with the vajayjay cam and I wanted to smack her with it when it was all over. But, I would do this and more in a heart beat if it means that I will be holding our baby in my arms this time next year.

Here's to a healthy, happy and prosperous New Year ... one that brings us all our take home babies.

My First Award

2011-12-06T11:53:00.001-08:00

I am so honored that someone out there considers my blog award worthy. Thank you Joy (Amanda)! I have been blogging for 10 months already. It seems like it was just yesterday when I opened my blogger account. I have to apologize for not accepting this award (officially) sooner. I have been taking some time for myself this holiday season. I do have some awesome news to share regarding the clinical trial in New York ... but I will wait for tomorrow for that (yes, two posts in one week ... amazing isn't it?!). I want this post to be about the award. Thank you to all of you awesome women who continue to stick with me and read even though I am not an "everyday" blogger. Without further ado ...

The Rules:

1) Thank the person who gave you the award!

2) List 7 things people may not know about you.

3) Pass the award to 15 other bloggers and notify them as well. (The hard part is trying to pick other bloggers who have not been chosen already. If you have received the award from someone else, just ignore my nomination.)

About Me:

1) My name is Nichole. My initials are NV. Hence, my blog is titled Baby NV for what I currently have (envy) and what I hope to have (baby NV). When I first started this blog I wanted to be anonymous. But, since my friend Joy nominated me and came out of the closet with her name ... I thought why not. You girls are amazing, you should know my name.

2) I have two mothers. The one who gave birth to me and the one who raised me.

3) I have a 10 year old brother. He is the light of my life.

4) I hate writing. I think I am horrible at it. And yet, I still created this blog :)

5) My dream job is to own a restaurant/art gallery with my hubby (Mr. V). He would do the food part, I would do the art part ... and we would raise a bunch of beautiful babies there.

6) I love rollercoasters. Every vacation the hubby and I take, we try to visit at least one. Believe it or not, my favorite is at SeaWorld ... it is called the Manta. It truly feels like you are flying.

7) At the age of 26, I already have nearly 9 years of work experience. I have been designing professionally since I was almost 18. I got into this field because I wanted to paint the world with my designs.

I am passing this award on to the following bloggers:

1) Brooke @ Becoming Parents

2) Angie @ Random Thoughts from Angie

3) Wonder Woman @ Watering Faith's Seed

4) Diana @ Bun(less) in the Oven

5) Lisa B @ The Pursuit of Pregnancy

6) Ashley @ Traditionally Untraditional

7) Cass @ One Day: I'll Have My Baby Bump

8) Jen @ When Life Hands You Lemon

9) Karen @ (Impatiently) Waiting

10) Knitting Vixen @ My Empty Womb

11) Selbe @ The Broken Birds & Bees

12) CGD @ Adventures in Infertility Land

13) Sailors Sweetheart @ Living Out of a Suitcase

14) A Miracle 4 Us @ A Miracle 4 Us

15) Doogie @ STFU Fertiles

Thankful

2011-11-28T10:03:00.001-08:00

I am thankful.

I am thankful for my husband who sticks by me no matter what crazy idea I get in my head.

I am thankful for a loving and supportive family and amazing friends.

I am thankful for my nephews, who I love like my own. They bring an incredible amount of joy and happiness to my life. And I am thankful that I get to spend Christmas with all of them this year.

I am thankful to blogger for connecting me with all of you amazing ladies who I wouldn't otherwise meet in real life.

I am thankful that Brooke at Becoming Parents got a BFP and a beta that continues to rise. You have taught me that strength and determination do pay off.

I am thankful that my blog buddy Maria was cleared for homestudy. You have taught me the importance of happiness in life outside of parenthood.

I am thankful for all of you who continue to support me day in and day out. I don't think I could fight this battle without your experiences and words of wisdom.

Last, but not least, I am thankful that my FSH level came down to 7.1 and I was officially accepted into the clinical research trial! I go back on December 13th to get my prescriptions and schedule. I am beyond thankful to have this opportunity.

I am thankful.

I know, I know ... it's a week after Thanksgiving and I am just now getting around to sharing what I am thankful for. But, better late than never right?!

The Waiting Game

2011-11-08T12:49:00.000-08:00

Definitely my least favorite game in the entire universe! But, let me start from the beginning...

Mr. V and I went to New York on October 25-27 and had the time of our lives. Wow is that city amazing. Mr. V and I decided that given the opportunity, we could totally live there for a year. Of course, it would have to be in Manhattan and we are almost positive that we would barely survive our first winter. We loved the food and just the amazing energy that city has. By far the most amazing food we had was at a hole in the wall we saw on Diner, Drive-ins and Dives called Tasty Hand Pulled Noodles. I was a bit skeptical after walking down an alley in Chinatown just to reach this gem, but it was freakin amazing. We ordered our noodle dishes and the chef literally made (and pulled) our noodles from scratch upon ordering. Then, we walked about half a mile down the road to Donut Plant. Bobby Flay did a throw down with the owner of this place and lost. We had the peanut butter and jelly donut ... and instantly fell in love.

Of course, food isn't all we did. We visited Grand Central Station, Central Park, Fifth Ave, Times Square, Brooklyn Botanic Gardens, the September 11th Memorial and a hand full of other tourist attractions. The September 11th Memorial was breathtaking. My hubby and I couldn't stop the tears from the moment we walked in. While reading the names of the lives that were lost, we stopped at one name in particular ... A woman's name was listed and next to her name was "and her unborn child." To think of all the lives that were lost both old and young, was heart wrenching. While there people were smiling with their families and taking photos like this was the Statue of Liberty or Times Square. Sometimes people in our society shock the shit out of me ... this was one of those times.

On the 26th we had our meeting with the RE conducting the clinical trial. The clinic overlooks Central Park ... what a view! Hands down this is the best run doctors office I have ever been too. Mr. V and I walked in and were greeted and given our paperwork. We filled out all of the paperwork and I was called back for bloodwork and a sonogram instantly. After that we set down with the Clinical Trial liaison to review all of the ins and outs of the trial and sign a ton of waiver forms. Then, Mr. V had a semen analysis. We were then told to get lunch and come back in an hour to review the results. Yes, that is correct. They have an entire lab inside their clinic. We went to Central Park and walked around for an hour with a cup of hot chocolate. I was so positive that all of this was working out so perfectly. I should have known that my body would throw us a curb ball.

We went back to review our test results with the liaison and everything looked excellent ... except my FSH levels. They don't except anyone in the study whose FSH level is above 12. Mine was 15. In August, my level was 7. What is an FSH level you may ask? It's your follicle-stimulating hormone. This hormone is responsible for stimulating the growth of the egg-bearing follicles in your ovaries. It also is a good measure for your ovarian reserve. Anything under 10 is normal. For most fertility clinics anything over 12 is considered poor and suggests impaired ovarian reserve. Since, my test in August was fine they are thinking this is a fluke. Apparently, intense stress can cause an elevated FSH level and boy was last month stressful.

As you can imagine this news was devastating. I felt like I just wanted to say fuck it and throw in the towel. But, after a few hours I turned to Mr. Google. I started researching natural ways to lower my FSH. I soon learned that maintaining a stress free environment in tandem with yoga, less caffeine and massage can help. So I have cut my already limited caffeine intake by half and I have started working during normal business hours only. No weekends, no night, no bringing work home and no work events. About 2 months ago my gym time started decreasing with the ever increasing work hours. So, last week I started Zumba and the gym again. I took a yoga class Thursday and it did wonders for my chi. I am scheduling a weekly massage up until I take my FSH test, which should be on black friday, on CD3. Now the only issue is trying not to stress over my FSH levels. If it isn't normal this time around, I don't know what we will do. But, we'll cross that bridge ~~when~~ if we come to it.

So, it's another Waiting Game being played here. Guess this means no baby, not even a little embryo, for Christmas. I'm going to write Santa right now and let him know since I am not getting what I really want, Tiffany's will do. Might as well spoil myself since we don't have any baby to spoil.

Decisions, Decisions

2011-10-04T11:34:00.000-07:00

I was a little disappointed by my appointment yesterday. I was hoping to get a plan and what I got were choices and more appointments.

I hate talking about money and costs of things. Because, honestly, I don't care how much I have to spend to be a mother. That, and I was raised with the understanding that finances weren't something you discussed outside of your family. In this case, to understand our choices you have to understand our financial position. While I make great money, my hubby recently started a catering company. Unfortunately, you spend more than you make in the first year of starting a business. And that is where we are at. We make enough money to buy everything we need and some of the things we want. But, we don't have enough money to write a $10,000 check to my IVF clinic.

Fortunately, we have financial options. Our first option would be to do traditional IVF. Because we make under a certain amount of money, we qualify for a discount. We meet with a financial counselor Wednesday to further discuss this option.

Our second option is to do Shared IVF. Shared IVF is when you literally share half of the eggs retrieved with a woman who can't produce her own good quality eggs. This would pay for all of the costs associated with IVF, including medications. An application should be emailed to me sometime today, so that I can begin the process. I keep thinking of all you ladies out there who have had to use donor eggs and how wonderful it would be to help a fellow IF. This option does come with some waiting. I have to be chosen by a couple before we can proceed with IVF.

After paying for our appointment and setting up a meeting with the financial counselor we headed home. As soon as I got in the car I burst into tears. I really wanted to have a set plan after this meeting. I just feel like this process is never ending. It's not like we can even try naturally in between appointments to put my mind at ease. I finally calmed down by the time we got home.

I pulled into the driveway and looked at my cell phone. I had a missed call. About a week ago I submitted an application for a clinical trial in New York. No new drugs are being used and all the procedures and medications are FDA approved. To qualify, you must be under a certain age and have had no prior IVF cycles. The study is comparing the effectiveness of conventional IVF to mini IVF. Mini IVF uses substantially less fertility meds and therefore you produce less eggs. My prescreen application was accepted, then my regular application was accepted. And yesterday they called to schedule an appointment for October 26 (between cycle day 1-4) to review all of my recent tests and do an ultrasound to qualify me for the clinical study. If everything checks out, then I will return on cycle day 19-24 to find out which arm of the trial I will do - conventional IVF or mini IVF. The trial will pay for all of the costs associated with IVF, excluding about half of the medications. Of course we would have to pay for the travel back and forth. Fortunately, some of the monitoring can be done locally. This seems like an opportunity I simply can't pass up.

Neither Mr. V or myself have been to New York. With our anniversary coming up on October 10, we thought that this trip would be a lovely way to celebrate. We are confident that we will be accepted, as both of us passed all of our blood work, tests and SA with flying colors. The only issue we have in the reproductive department is my tubes (or lack there of) and that is actually a pro for the trial.

So, what is our plan? We have decided to do the clinical trial. If that doesn't work, then we will look into Shared IVF. In the meantime I will complete the Shared IVF application to get the ball rolling. I am working on booking our trip to New York now for October 25-27.

We will be making a number of trips up, some for just a day and others for a few days. If any of my girls out there in the bloggie world have connections with a place to stay while we are there, I would be so grateful.

Well, I am off to make plans and organize our trip! How exciting :)

So Excited!

2011-10-03T09:49:00.000-07:00

Friday I went in for my SIS. My RE was out of the office in recognition of Rash Hashanah, so I had one of the other REs in the office perform the procedure. I haven't mentioned this before, but one of my favorite things about my RE is that she has been the one to personally perform all of my tests and procedures. So I was a bit disappointed when I got paired up with someone new. But, he turned out to be great too. Not just great ... good looking and young! I told my hubby that he couldn't possibly understand how awkward it is to meet a man for the first time and immediately open up your legs in front of his face. Anyway, after trying to insert the catheter three times (there was no pain at all), he finally got it and did the ultrasound. Afterwards, he reviewed the pictures with me and said that I have a textbook perfect uterus. And then the tears started. I can't even begin to explain how amazing it feels to have a part of my reproductive equipment described as perfect.

So here I am ... 3 hours till my RE appointment. This is the day we will get a plan of action. I never thought I would be so excited about spending 10 grand to shoot myself up daily. But I feel like a kid on Christmas Eve.

I Hate Hiccups!

2011-09-09T14:32:00.000-07:00

No, not the literal hiccups. Well, actually, come to think of it, those too. None of those stupid old wives tales can ever cure them, which just upsets me more ... and makes the hiccups even worse. But, I digress.

Hiccups in a plan is what I am referring to. If you are a list making, detail-oriented, calendar checking planner life myself ... then you too know how it feels to have a hiccup thrown into your otherwise perfect plan. The plan was to have my last diagnostic exam last Friday and then schedule my follow up to review all the results. Well, obviously my reproductive organs once again didn't feel like cooperating. You would think after all this testing, they would be on their best behavior. But, no!!

Apparently, my uterus had some abnormalities that need to be looked at further. Fine, I guess I can handle one more test. Although I am uncertain what camera angle they could possible take that already hasn't been photographed. I feel like a freakin IVF porn star after the past few weeks.

The test you ask? Well my RE said it's called a Saline Infused Sonogram (SIS). It took me all weekend to recover from the death cramps that my HSG gave me and from what I read this can be way worse. Not only do I get a catheter inserted in me to pump liquid into my uterus yet again, I also get to be simultaneously examined by the vajayjay cam. Oh yay!

My follow up was scheduled for September 23. I am not scheduled to start my period till September 20 and they would like to do the SIS around CD7. So that means I now have to call and reschedule my follow up, which was already difficult to schedule as follow ups are booked solid a month out. Again, I hate hiccups! So, without further ado here is my plan update:

1. Blood work was done on both me and Mr. V on 8/19. Semen analysis completed 9/2.

2. Aunt Flow arrived 8/22.

3. Hormone Studies/Ultrasound (E2, FSH, LH and USS) completed 8/24. HSG completed 9/2.

4. New Step: Wait for AF to arrive ... AGAIN! She should make her debut around 9/20.

5. New Step: Call to schedule SIS, which should be scheduled for 9/26. Take the day off work to recover!

6. Follow up appointment for all above testing WAS scheduled for 9/23.

7. New Step: Reschedule follow up appointment for 9/30, after SIS has been scheduled.

8. 12 days left for my body to finish healing.

9. Start birth control and IVF steps.

The more tests I get, the longer my to do list gets. I really can't wait for our follow up. If all goes according to plan, which we know probably won't happen, we will have our follow up consultation and receive our official IVF plan on the day after my hubby's birthday - September 30. I'll take that as a good sign. Hope all you ladies have a wonderful weekend!

Little Swimmers, Big Race

2011-09-01T14:31:00.000-07:00

Last week Mr. V and I went to get our bloodwork. Of course, being a woman, I had to have double the tests he did and needed two extra vials of blood. On top of that, I had to fast and he didn't. Well I made a pretty big deal out of it. Now fast forward to Tuesday night...

I didn't go to bed till 2am. I was up late working on a project due at work on Wednesday. So when my hubby put his arm around me at the crack of dawn, I knew what he was proposing and I wasn't interested. When I turned to him and asked what he was doing? He eloquently replied, "I have to fast for the next two days." That just cracked me up. Of course he was talking about sex and not food. But I couldn't turn him down after that :)

I have to say that I am completely enjoying the spur of the moment sex life we have gained from all of this. I won't lie, I cried the first couple of times after we had sex following my ectopic. I felt like sex no longer had a purpose (you know, other than to get off). But, now I love it. I love that I no longer have to temp or pee on sticks daily. I love that anytime we feel like it we can make love ... not because a stick told us to. It seems like hubby is enjoying it as well, because our sex life has definitely increased like twofold.

Tomorrow is my HSG and the hubby's SA – our last diagnostic tests before birth control and IVF. The other night we were sitting around with Mr. V's cousin and we were talking about how his little swimmers were going to be tested soon. He then proceeded to tell us that he has no worries whatsoever about his test. He knows for a fact that his swimmers are Michael Phelps (pre-bong-hitting) fast. He really can find humor in anything!

I on the other hand am dreading my second HSG. The first time around the doctor kept releasing dye because he noticed my tube was blocked and he thought that this might unblock it. Well, if he would have read my chart then he would know that the tube was not even there, it was removed after my first ectopic. The procedure itself didn't hurt, but all that extra dye caused intense cramping. So bad, in fact, that I couldn't even walk back to work ... which is across the street. This time around I am hoping that the pain won't be too bad because my RE is performing it and she knows my history, so hopefully very little dye will be needed and hence, very little cramping.

Next step, follow up visit to discuss all of the test results. So happy this process is moving right along. The time really does fly when you have no TWWs.

Welcome Back AF!

2011-08-22T09:41:00.000-07:00

Haha! And you thought you were unwanted?! Well I rolled out the welcome mat for you this month and I have never been so happy for you to arrive. Your arrival means that I have officially finished my third step. Here is a recap:

1. Blood work was done on both me and Mr. V on Friday. Semen analysis scheduled for 9/2.

2. Aunt Flow arrived today!

3. Hormone Studies/Ultrasound (E2, FSH, LH and USS) scheduled for Wednesday at 7:30am. HSG scheduled for 9/2.

4. New Step: Follow up appointment for all above testing will be scheduled after HSG and SA results come in.

5. 1 month left for my body to finish healing.

6. Start birth control and IVF steps.

It looks like a late September start date for IVF, as long as everything goes as planned. I am beyond excited about it and scared at the same time. I am not a gambling woman and investing so much money in something that might not work worries me. Especially since this is not something we can afford to do right away if we fail. But, for now I am staying positive and praying for strength to get me through whatever lies ahead.

Our Baby Steps

2011-08-05T14:30:00.000-07:00

Today the hubby and I had our very first appointment (3 hours total) with our RE for IVF. Although, I feel fully healed and ready to start this thing ... my doctor had another plan in mind. Here are our baby steps:

1. Schedule blood work for me and semen analysis for the hubby.

2. Wait for my next period to arrive. Which could be anywhere from 1 week to 3 weeks. For once in my life I am praying that my period arrives ASAP.

3. Call to schedule an HSG and vaginal ultrasound once period arrives. Weird considering I just had an HSG in November and now I have no tubes to look at. So, more or less they are just doing this to "take a closer look at my uterus."

4. Wait another whole month, just to "make sure that my body has had time to heal." Guess what, my mind and heart don't want to wait for my body to catch up. They are ready now! However, she did assure me that all my IVF training classes and testing can be completed during this time that my body is "healing."

5. Start birth control and IVF steps.

The best part about my visit was when she said because of my age we have a 65-80% chance of success. Wow!!!! So our little angel may be growing inside me in time for Christmas after all :)

Ectopic #2

2011-07-20T06:38:00.000-07:00

And with it the removal of my remaining Fallopian tube. I think I am going to go in hiding for a while. Some news is just too overwhelming. I pray for strength to get through this pain in my body and pain in my heart.

Help Please

2011-07-14T07:17:00.000-07:00

Well, to my shock and amazement my beta increased from 13 on Thursday to 200 on Monday. Yesterday it increased to 720. I am about 5 weeks at this point. I go in on Monday for another beta and if that goes well I have an ultrasound on Wednesday.

The only hiccup is that I have been bleeding off and on since Saturday. It is not heavy and only happens when I go to the bathroom. But, it scares me so much. Every little cramp or twinge makes me think I am either having a miscarriage or it is yet another ectopic. I guess I should have known that no pregnancy is going to be trouble free for me. The doctor did assure me that nearly 50% of women have bleeding during pregnancy. Yet, it still doesn't ease my mind.

I know Monday is only 4 days away, and possibly my shortest wait ever, but it seems like an eternity. In the meantime, the doctor has told me no sex, no exercise, no lifting and lots of rest. So until my u/s on Wednesday, my boss is allowing me to leave early so that I can put my feet up and relax. It seems that I bleed less when I am not moving around so much.

If you ladies will do me a favor and please say a little prayer for me, make a wish or cross your fingers. I know prayer is stronger in numbers and I hope that it will help. I will be saying prayers for all you ladies as well. Hopefully, we will all beat this IF battle!

13: One Unlucky Number

2011-07-11T08:41:00.000-07:00

Talk about one unlucky number. We all know the stigma associated with Friday the 13th, heck there is a whole series of horror flicks named after it. On Friday the 13th, after the final Crusade, the pope sent his men to capture and burn alive the last 13 Knights Templar in order to put an end to the Crusades. There were 13 attendees of the Last Supper and the 13th dinner guest, Judas, betrayed Jesus to the Romans. Coincidentally, this is why it is unlucky to invite 13 guests to dinner. Jews supposedly murmured 13 times against God in the exodus from Egypt. The circumcision of Israel occurred in the thirteenth year. Apollo 13 was the only unsuccessful mission by the United States intended to land humans on the moon. Elevators at extremely tall buildings often exclude the 13th floor because of how unlucky it is. We even have a name for the phobia of the number 13 – Triskaidekaphobia.

Well ladies, 13 was my Beta on Thursday. Talk about a complete let down. I still haven't started my period. I had brown spotting all weekend and pretty bad cramping on Friday. My boobs have been swollen like melons and I have been ravenous all weekend. I keep trying to get my spirits up, but I just can tell this pregnancy isn't going to end well. I hate that I always think the worst. I went back to get blood drawn this morning. I should have the results after lunch.

Incidentally, I tried thinking up positive things that include the number 13. Dan Marino wore the number 13. This is especially wonderful since my hubby and I are HUGE dolfans. A Rod wears number 13 for the Yankees and Wilt Chamberlain wore 13 during his entire NBA career. 13 was the number of colonies that formed the United States. There are 13 guns in a gun salute. And lastly, 13 is a baker's dozen ... yummy.

I had a good cry this weekend with my hubby. He really is the best! Regardless of what happens, I no longer feel broken. I haven't seen a BFP (let alone 4 consecutively) in two years. I feel like we are one tiny step closer to our take home baby. I will update all you amazing, supportive ladies later. I can't tell you how much your words of wisdom and encouragement mean to me.

"Even on my weakest days, I get a little bit stronger."

By the way Santa, when I said I wanted to be knocked up by Christmas ... I meant that I wanted to stay knocked up. Consider this a formal revision to my Christmas Wish.

To Celebrate or Not to Celebrate...

2011-07-06T11:18:00.000-07:00

Does anyone else see the faint second line? I am 15dpo today and this is what greeted me this morning when I woke up. I tested at 9dpo and it was negative. Shouldn't it be darker at this point? I called my hubby into the bathroom this morning to ask if he saw the second line. He did. I wasn't imagining or seeing things. I'm trying not to get too excited, in case it is false or chemical or ectopic again. I guess I will wait until tomorrow morning to test again. I just hate waiting!

I Didn't Want a December Baby Anyway

2011-04-13T09:12:00.000-07:00

I mean ... who wants to share their birthday with Christmas? Everyone knows a birthday pales in comparison. Plus, all those gifts in one month could get quite costly. And imagine all the additional shopping. I thought I shopped a lot last year for family.

Okay, so that is a BFL (big fat lie) ... hehe ... this whole TTC thing has me constantly talking in acronyms. At least I haven't lost my sense of humor. Anyway, I would have loved a baby at Christmas ... really I want a baby ANY month. But, it's not going to happen ... at least not this December. As I am sure you have gathered, I got my period. AF came last week and stayed her usual 3 days.

I'm not one of those people who test 7 days after I ovulate. I do obsess over pregnancy symptoms and pray during my TWW, as most of us do. But, I always wait till the day my period is due to test. This month I had no period symptoms. Normally I get, what I affectionately call, death cramps when I feel like my uterus is raging inside of my body. Honestly, I think she is just as pissed as I am that we can't get a little bean to stick. So, I was a tiny bit excited this month when there were no death cramps. I bought my test the day my period was due and even waited till the next morning to use it. Of course, as always, a BFN. Even though I have seen that result a billion times before, gut wrenching disappointment still set in. That afternoon AF came. It's like she is playing games with me, I swear.

So, what am I going to do differently this month? Well, for one, W is going to the RE to get his little swimmers tested. Then, I get to try Clomid. While, we had planned on doing all that last month ... we put it off in hopes of getting our BFP the au natural way. After 30 au natural cycles of BFNs, you think we would have thrown in the towel. But, we aren't quitters. Both W and I are super competitive and we never back down from a challenge.

As mentioned in previous posts, I am a goal setting, list maker ... So my new TTC plan:

1. Get W's little swimmers tested. Or as W calls them ... his big swimmers. LOL.
2. Continue BBT charting and OPKs this month.
3. BD like crazy CD12 - CD 19. Can't quit hoping, praying and trying ... can we?
4. Do not test until 2 days after period is due. Screw AF and her games!
5. If BFN, start Clomid (after a good cry and big tub of ice cream).
6. Buy Clear Blue Fertility Monitor ... I'm hoping electronic toys make TTC a little more fun ;)
7. Continue working out 5 days a week. I've been doing quite well with this one.
8. Try at least 3 cycles of Clomid before proceeding with IUI or IVF discussions.
9. Get knocked up by Christmas.

Okay, so number 9 I really can't control. But it is my biggest goal. I don't think I can go through one more Christmas being reminded of how a virgin got knocked up and I can't. Even a tiny pea size baby by Christmas will do. Maybe I should write my request to Santa now...

Good luck to all my fellow IFs. I hope you get your BFP in time for Christmas too!

March Madness: BBT vs OPK

2011-03-24T18:26:00.000-07:00

Okay, so obviously I am a huge sports fan. Weird, considering I am also the most girly girl you will ever meet. So I had a thought ... why not combine the things I am most passionate about!

For over a year I have used OPKs to predict when I ovulate. Obviously, it hasn't helped. So, this month I decided to try something new and chart my temps. It took some time to remind myself to stick a thermometer in my mouth every morning upon waking, but I have officially gotten use to it. Now if I could just figure out what in the hell it all means...

According to my OPK, I ovulated on (or within 24 hours of) March 22. According to my BBT, I could have ovulated on either March 15 or March 22. I had a temperature dip on March 15, then a rise March 16. My temps came back down to below normal on March 21.

BTW, normal for me thus far has been 96.7.

Then, a rise March 22. Since then, my temps haven't come back down. So, theoretically I should have ovulated on March 22, confirmed by both the OPK and BBT. However, the spike (yay! football term) I had on March 18 (97.7) was the highest temp I have gotten, higher than my spike on March 23 (97.3).

So what does all of this mean? No freakin clue. I know what it doesn't mean. It doesn't mean that I understand my cycle any better now than I did last month. I've read that once you start charting your BBT, your cycles naturally become more regular. Hmmmm. Is that just a scam to get us IFs to buy into their BBT charting software. Who knows!

For now, I'm putting my money on the OPK.

Should Have Been a Teen Mom

2011-03-15T14:11:00.000-07:00

I guess I should have gotten knocked up as a teenager. Lately, I find myself thinking this a lot. Funny since I spent the majority of my teenage years avoiding getting pregnant, and truth be told - a little scared of sex.

I have two younger sisters (who mean the world to me). Both have children – the youngest (Cheech) has two and the middle (Eca) has one – and both had their first as teenagers. While I was the only sibling to graduate high school and then go on to graduate college; the only one who decided on a career and pursed it with (borderline obscene) intensity; the only one to wait until I married the love of my life to try for children. And yet, now, I am the only one who is childless. Maybe it's just me, but this seems just a tad bit unfair. Is God trying to tell me something?

All my life, I have set goals. I write down lists of things needed to obtain my goals, and then check them off as I go along. Achieving these goals have always come fairly easily to me, all I had to do was put in the effort. Get into college - check, graduate college - check, get a job - check, buy a car - check, get married - check, have a baby - NO CHECK. Just look at the list of things I could have avoided if I would have just been a little more open to the teen pregnancy idea:

1. Monthly disappointments when AF comes

2. Ovulation kits

3. BBT charting

4. Fertility tests

5. Fertility treatments

6. Scheduled BD sessions

7. Incessant reading of fertility books/blogs

8. TTC blog writing

9. People asking me when I am going to have my first

10. Baby eNVy

The list goes on and on. To maintain perspective ... these are also things I would've missed out on:

1. High School Graduation

2. Prom

3. College

4. A job I love to do

5. My hubby (who I met at my first job out of college)

6. The joy of finding out that all your hard work and "trying" paid off

On October 25, 2010, when my newest nephew was born I found out I had won a prestigious design award. I was beyond happy and so proud. I called Eca immediately, only to find out that Cheech was in labor. I chose not to share the news with Cheech at that moment, because it was her day. However, Eca just couldn't help herself and spilled the beans. When I came to visit Cheech in the Hospital, she said "Here I am having illegitimate children and you are winning national awards." She honestly felt like her accomplishment wasn't as big as mine. It made me smile, because I honestly felt that my accomplishment paled in comparison to hers. I told her I would trade places with her in a nano second ... no award can compare to a little miracle like that.

So maybe that is what God is trying to tell me. This is one of those things that won't come easy to me. I will have to work a little harder to check this one off my list. But, you know what? I can do it. I know that when this journey is over, I will have a beautiful little baby in my arms.

Baby eNVy

2011-03-09T11:19:00.000-08:00

That's right ... I've got it. Every time I see that little baby bump, attend a child's birthday party, change a nephew's diaper, or even hear a screaming child on an airplane I am filled with the tiniest bit of baby eNVy. Who am I kidding? It's full blown, knock you over the head and steal your kid kind of eNVy.

For the past two years, my husband (W) and I have being working on making our family grow. Despite the endless preparation, planting, and fertilizing it hasn't happened ... yet. At the age of 25, I have been through a miscarriage, ectopic pregnancy and surgery to remove one of my fallopian tubes.

For the past month I have been seeing a specialist, which as you ladies are aware, involves a lot of poking, prodding and down right uncomfortable tests. The conclusion? The 75% of the reproductive equipment I do have is perfectly functioning. What next?

Next cycle I will start Clomid to regulate my ovulating. Aunt Flow just packed up and left this morning, so in approximately 8-10 days we can try one more time the no-drug way. Here's hoping after this month I will have baby eNVy no more...